Frequently I find myself feeling exceptionally down because love didn’t happen the way I dreamed my entire life it would.
Where I went looking for love I was met with abuse (verbal, physical, and emotional), cheating and lies on more than one occasion. As I’ve expressed in previous blog posts I’ve always kind of wondered what’s wrong with me.. Was I not worthy of the love I so craved? Was I doing too much.. or perhaps too little? What about me made a man not want to commit, or hurt me? What did I do to deserve “this” time and time again..
Upon reflection, it’s clear to see that this is quite a destructive thought process. If I have learned anything when it comes to unhealthy relationships, it’s often the wrong person questioning their worth and what they did wrong. Yet, the thoughts sometimes plague my mind, despite my constant fight not to let them penetrate my happiness.
If you would have asked me where I’d be at 22 (or so) when I was 16, 17, or even 19.. my answer wouldn’t reflect where I am today, at all. I’ve met every personal, academic, and work related goal, but love and healthy relationships at large is something that I’ve struggled with. Years ago I really believed that by now I’d be married and swooning over my husband that would come home to me everyday, our home. We’d be happily building a life together, and moreover creating a legacy that will continue on long after we are gone.
I never wanted perfect, I just wanted someone who saw something special in me and didn’t take that for granted.
The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9
Within my conversations with God, I found myself requesting patience, understanding, and whatever else was needed in the process of me waiting for the man He intended for me. As I do self reflection, there’s certainly room for growth prior to that point, as the person I will commit the rest of my eternal life to, deserves the very best version of me. So, for that, I am willing to wait.
Interestingly enough, a few days ago I read a quote (via Pinterest of all places) that mentioned how in fairy tales the happy ending is typically on the last page. What a profound and timely message. As of now, I am still writing my story.