So often we believe that we’ve got it all figured out, neglecting that love in it’s purest form evolves.
Therefore, can we ever really have it figured out?
When considering love as it pertains in my own life, well it has changed drastically in the last few years. That big scary “L-word”, that my 18, 19, and 20 year old self so desperately longed for. I looked for love in the lowest of places, and allowed myself to fall in attempt to discover such love, pushing away family, friends, and even neglecting my spiritual relationship.
The pits of depression and self hatred, were what I convinced myself to believe was “apart of it”. Love wasn’t supposed to come easy, right? So, sure the tears, heartbreak, disappointment, and feeling so low were a part of it..right? If I only stayed until he saw how much love I had to offer, then – Viola! He’d love me forever and ever, right? If I only kept supporting her until she knew how much of a friend I was to her, she’d begin to appreciate me, right?
I gave myself so selflessly, to only find that you can’t pour into someone else, when you are empty yourself. Lessons of self love, acceptance, and appreciation are at the absolute root of me finding what love truly is. After months of praying, meditating, cutting ties, spending nights alone in my apartment asking, “why?.. I learned something; one of the most valuable and time transcending lessons about love, and that is:
Sometimes you have to let it go.
I can recall the exact day when I figured out what “love” is. Standing in the shower, allowing the warm water to stream down my face, intertwining with each tear flowing from my clouded eyes. I stood there gasping and letting out long, dramatic sighs as I was heart broken, again.
Naked, vulnerable and once again finding myself asking, “why me?” What did I do to deserve such heartache? All I’ve ever wanted was to do was love, and be loved in return; to find my forever someone and love them until my dying day. Then as the water temperature began to shift due to my excessive time allowing it to just run, something inside of me said, “Let go”.
To let go, how was it even possible for me to love someone and not have them be apart of my life? Impossible, I thought and the tears started back up. Growing frustrated, I continued to rack my brain in search for answers and shivering with the cold water dancing down my skin.. I slowly began to understand.
If I loved someone, I could let them go.
Let them find peace, happiness, acceptance, wholeness, purpose, and more even if it wasn’t within me. I’ve held on to some too long. Held on when those individuals gave me multiple signs that said, “let me go”. Not every sign was polite, or even delivered in the sweetest of ways. Sometimes “let me go” came in the form of infidelity, lying, manipulation, not being appreciated, and abuse.
I remember a few years ago someone told me, “you are not for everyone”, at first I only thought of said statement as, not everyone is going to be your friend – but now I find it can applied here as well.
I am not for everyone and my love certainly isn’t for everyone.
Protect your peace. Protect your heart.